Transference

When autumn arrived again the whole situation was murky. Not on the surface. Ostensibly, everything appeared as it had before only now there was an undercurrent in which the truth swished and swayed. I was a woman alone. I’d said some things I could not take back. I’d told him how I felt and for how long I’d felt that way and I’m sure it made me look bad.

He still set up things for me to do. He still announced these tasks in front of others. I was still proud and trying to prove myself efficient. Still afraid of the possibilities; only now he knew. The knowledge gave him an advantage. He could berate me for any little thing and what could I do but acquiesce? Sure, I could just pack it in and move on to another place. I could go to England as I’d originally planned. Or Toronto. But to do so would announce to all that there had been a contest of wills between us and I had lost. His reputation would be sullied and I would be alone for the second time in one year.

He told me it was transferrence. I knew it was. Except that it had started before I lost Eric.

When I said, I have something I have to tell you, he said, No, you don’t.

Yes, I said, No, you don’t, he said.

It was an innocent lunch and I had told him he looked his age. No, that’s incorrect. It had not been innocent. We had eaten lunch both aware that there was more beneath the surface, but he was willing to let it lie while I was boiling and about to erupt.

For some time I had been aware that the only acceptable emotion, though strictly unsatisfying, was to get him riled and feel the heat of his discomfort. He was unaware of those dynamics, but I would go back to my desk after one of these encounters and I would feel dizzy with keeping quiet about what I knew had occurred. I would wonder, is he being discreet or is he ignorant of what just happened? Does he think I really want to see him annoyed? Does he not realize my emotions are making me say things I very quickly regret?

From the way he reacted, he obviously knew all along.

He told me it was transferrence and that I only directed my feelings toward him because I knew it was safe. Nothing could happen because he was monogamously involved and had a son. Yes, I knew this. But I also observed over time that he paid more attention to me than to any of the others.

When he told Enid about how I would be handling the timesheets from now on, I took it to mean he is willing to overlook my true confession, but I also see that he is covering himself. I am sure his wife advised him how to react. Oh, yes, I am certain at this point he has spoken to her. If I were to do anything stupid, he could say, I never suspected she felt that way, I just thought she was a good worker and I was willing to give her more responsibility, she must have mistaken my intentions. He has mistaken me. I would never do anything stupid. I mean dangerously stupid. My only error was in crossing the line and saying what we both knew was happening. In that regard, I always seem to do the foolish thing.

That was how I met and fell in love with my husband, Eric. I miss him so much. Perhaps I am transferring some of that feeling to William, but the truth is I started feeling heat from him long before Eric became ill. I was being discreet then. Except for this one slip, I will continue to be so.

I hope to work with William for quite a long time. He helped me through the roughest season of my life. He has told me he’s counting on me. He’s told others he believes I am capable. I must not give him cause to waver.

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Tags: relationship